wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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