Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
