my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
