is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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