New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
