so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
