3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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