I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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