So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
