He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
