Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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