When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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