i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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