I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
