I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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