Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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