you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
