I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
