She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
