I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
