I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
