My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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