I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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