dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
being pregnant is like rehab
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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