I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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