I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
