i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
