Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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