I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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