You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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