I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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