I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
