i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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