Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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