I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
