People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
