omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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