i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
