Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
