yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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