I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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