If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
