Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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