can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
