She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
