dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
