when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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