fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
