I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
3pm strippers are depressing
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
