Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
