It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
