There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
