dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
