the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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