I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
