I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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