you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
