So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
